THE TRUTH.

It’s weird because I could be having the best day ever, I Could be laughing, I could be doing what I love the most with the people I love the most. But – I will still be suicidal. I don’t have to be hurting myself but I will still be suicidal.  I can’t remember one single day where I woke up and went a day without wanting to die, without hoping it would end. I wake up everyday, hoping and wishing I was dead, Thinking if I was dead my family and friends would be better without me here and just hoping the pain would end. The feeling that it gives me is horrible, it breaks me peace by peace. This has been the same for years now,and i’m not sure this feeling will ever go now. 

When you get told your a problem or that your useless or a failure you start to believe them, you start to feel like a burden and you start to doubt yourself. Then you begin to feel like you cant talk to those people anymore so who do you really have. After 8+ years, all the suicide attempts and self harm I still feel like I’m no good to anyone and that feeling deep inside is sickening. 

Im safe, Im not currently hurting my self, but Im suicidal.